Guest post by: Faybird, retired nurse, mother of the Pitchfork Prophet

My eldest son was always a precocious child, even as an adult.

When he was a young man, we were attending my son’s university graduation ceremony. At the Honors College Scholastic Hall of Fame induction, I noticed that my boy had strung a weird voodoo pendant around his neck.

“Aren’t you getting too old for this silly, juvenile protest?” I asked.

No, no he was not.

“My eldest son was always a precocious child, even as an adult.“

My question got to the heart of worries that any mother might have. Namely, why? Why, my child, must you behave like this? Why must you always spit in the face of authority?

Why can’t you simply wear a long, flowing robe, a mortarboard hat, and a gigantic Honors College medallion like a normal boy?”

Who can say? I only know that he would not explain nor remove it, yielding only a disappointed, sidelong glance at his long-suffering mother.

So, I was about to do what any mother would do, getting ready to snatch that cursed bauble from around his scrawny neck. But as I moved to grab it, my boy moved quicker. He caught my wrist mid snatch and warned, “Do not handle that which should not be touched, mother.”

He’s not the boss of me, so. . .

So, yes, I had to touch that stove to make sure it was hot.

In my defense, I had no idea the boy was being so literal. Usually, he is not.

Next thing I know, a thick, wet airborne pile of goo splatted onto my perfectly coifed hair.

Apparently, a seabird had flown into the auditorium, nested in the rafters, and laid in wait until a spooky piece of jewelry ordered an ambush.

Diabolical!

But I have to admit, that boy always did have a way with birds.

The least witchy person you know

My boy claims to be “the least witchy person” he knows. Well, he must only know powerful witches, because the unwarranted bird attack was only one such incident. There are many such cases.

If my eldest son exhorts you to join his church or face spooky consequences, I would probably pay attention. His magic is powerful, mysterious, and, I believe, only barely under his control.

You’ve been warned.

As crazy as it my sound, I recommend that you heed this warning, so you don’t face a fate as shitty as my own.